Today, Amazon.com President and CEO Jeff Bezos announced the first FDA-approved digital reader for those afflicted with ADD, Macular Degeneration, and postpartum depression.
“The Kindle Nine is revolutionary,” said Bezos, munching on a bag of fried pork rinds, “and the technology is bleeding edge. We knew we needed a reader with a more substantial interface, and I think we found it,” he said, pointing to the Kindle’s hydraulic “cranium crusher.”
Bezos illustrated the concept by inserting the head of a small boy snugly under the bar — which, in turn, exerted 87 psi pressure. on the cranial cavity, ultimately causing the eye and the optic nerve to fuse with the book. “When the optic nerves fuses with the book, genuine molecular osmosis takes place,” Bezos explained, “information is squeezed from the book, through the fractured eye socket, and directly to the frontal lobes.”
“We’ve discovered that this technology virtually eliminates ADD, Furghower-Shane Disorder, Multiple Melanoma and – in rare cases – stage 3 Halitosis.”