buzz

 

With the tragedy of Robin Williams still fresh in my mind, I want to share something with you.

Suicide saved my life.

I mean no disrespect to the surviving family with this statement, nor do I seek to make light of another’s suffering. I’m simply recounting my experience.

In 1995, at the age of 45, and in the ascendancy of my life professionally, socially and spiritually, I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Parkinson’s Disease.

Today, nearly 20 years later, I look back in astonishment at the last two decades and wonder how I managed to not only survive, but to actually grow emotionally and creatively. Make no mistake: Parkinson’s is as ruthless as it is cunning – always searching for weakened neurological conduits and components; taking every opportunity to enslave me psychologically; making it more difficult to live with dignity and purpose.

How have I survived? I decided to fight. I made a covenant with myself, vowing to never let Parkinson’s get the upper hand.

And what is that upper hand? It’s attitude. It’s a focused resolve to live my life fully and joyfully, in service to my fellow man, regardless of how I might feel at any given moment. Does it always work? No. I fall down, literally and figuratively nearly every day. Yet, I don’t compound the falls with self-punishment. I simply get up and continue the journey.

And what do I  say about Mr. Williams? I say I can’t possibly imagine what life would be like with this disease AND a difficult marriage, a substance abuse struggle, the stress of fame, and the battalion of demons that often follow genius.

Have I ever contemplated suicide?

I never needed to.

Just knowing I could “opt-out” of the dark abyss of depression that is so often a component of Parkinson’s, was enough to prevent the act of suicide itself.  Yet, don’t for a minute think I was able to side-step the abyss – 18 ECT or “shock treatments,” 6 years of cognitive therapy, and 233,000 pills later, I’m still struggling with PD and my loss of the activities of daily living. (I’ve always said the true test of humility is having to ask a perfect stranger to wipe your behind.)

The circle now complete, we find ourselves back where we started: suicide.

My vision of the Creator, as insignificant as it is, does not include a punitive and vindictive father.

I choose to believe that at this very moment, Mr. Williams is enjoying  a ” Peace that passeth all understanding.”

The same Peace I wish for you.    Martin Bayne